Ashes/Forgiveness: January 14-17, 2004

Ashes: January 14, 2004

It's funny how a single sentence can rip your world apart.

"You are my brother, and I do love you, however it simply comes down to my not agreeing with your chosen lifestyle."

I never saw it coming, but I should have. His family joined a Baptist church in his neighbourhood about six months ago.

They had been so cool, so accepting, five years ago when I screwed up my courage to tell them I was gay. I was afraid that they would never want to speak to me again, never want me to see their children, my nephews. They reassured me that that was not the case, that they had already known. They accepted me.

Now I'm "choosing" the gay "lifestyle".

Enough is enough. I'm strong enough now to walk away from this abuse if I have to. Even if all the family I have left is ashes in my hands now, I will survive.

Forgiveness: January 15, 2004

My brother has flown to Winnipeg and has just shown up on my doorstep. He says he's sorry, and I accept his apology. And then we hug, and then I break down in tears.

This can't be happening to me

He's just gone out to get some coffee (I wasn't expecting company and I had used my last coffee filter a couple days ago).

This is happening to me

Birthdays and Birthday Presents: January 16, 2004

On my 40th birthday, next Friday, my friends are organizing a dinner party for me at the Cork and Dock, just up Pembina Highway from the University of Manitoba.

This is not meant to be a surprise birthday party; I've had one of those already! My friends John and Laurent threw me surprise birthday party for my 38th birthday in 2002. Laurent's home was packed full of friends and acquaintences from in the Rainbow Harmony Project chorus and from the Arts, Cuture, and Entertainment (ACE) Group, which Laurent and I had co-founded. It was a truly wonderful and memorable evening.

My brother had decided that, given the serious misunderstandings in our communications, to fly down and see me this weekend. He wanted to apologize for the things he said that hurt me, in person rather than over the phone. He said that I was so angry that a phone conversation probably wouldn't have been as effective as seeing each other face-to-face.

He's here until Monday, and we're planning to spend as muct time as we can together, talking and listening and getting to know and understand each other better. We've never been partilcularly close before. I am four years older than him, and as a result we never spent much time with each other as children. The two of us were never in the same junior high (grades 7-9) or high school (grades 10-12) at the same time. Both of us formed and went out with our own separate circles of friends, and each of us followed our own interests and hobbies.

My unexpected birthday gift from my brother this year will be the opportunity for us to get to know each other better, and communicate better, as adults.

Loss of Faith: January 17, 2004

Thinking over at the events of the past four days, I realize that I have a surprising lack of faith in my relationships, particularly my family. I act (and react) as if, at any given moment, the other person will turn on me, lash out at me.

What my brother said was stupid and upsetting, yes, but why did I lose faith so quickly?


UPDATE April 16, 2012: My relationship with my brother is the best it has ever been :-)