Still thinking about Friend #2, when I should really be thinking about myself and how I don't deal with the unpleasant things in my own life, how I run away from my own feelings. (typical Enneagram Two: focus on everybody else's problems but your own, even deny you have problems. everything's fine, just fine, but you're the one who needs me)
One of things I value most about Friend #2 is his unequivocal bluntness; he calls a spade and spade and won't sugarcoat the truth, even when it hurts. So I did the same with him tonight when we chatted online, playing shit-disturber and devil's advocate for half an hour. But all he's doing is holding up the mirror to me and my own binges to avoid my problems, my feelings.
I may not have had sex with 20 men in four weeks, but I'm the one who's at least 20 pounds overweight. I'm the one who hasn't seen the inside of a gym in over six months. I'm the one who's got a Torso Track that I've never ever used, even once. I'm the one I need to look at, need to focus on. I'm just avoiding looking at the not-pretty parts of my life by looking at the not-pretty parts of other people's lives, trying to "help" them.
So is it better to die from clogged arteries, or from AIDS?
I guess it works out about the same. It might be (marginally) more socially acceptable to be overweight than to be a slut, but truth be told, I'm in just as much heartache as Friend #2 is, with all his very good reasons to be stressed out. So I've decided to keep my mouth shut, stop bugging him about it.
I wonder what my life would be like if, for one week, I stopped trying to find my value by "helping" everybody else. If I faced the ghosts that haunt me.
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