Shock
It was only until I found myself to be shaking so badly that I could not write down the telephone number of the tow truck, that the 911 operator and I agreed that an ambulance should be sent. For three hours the shaking continued, off and on, in waves, no matter how many blankets they piled on me at Emergency, and despite my best efforts to BREATHE and to calm myself. My body was no longer listening to me; my body had decided it was in danger and it had taken over control from my mind. Shock. I believe they called it "an adrenaline reaction".
For the first time in years—possibly decades—I am not sitting in front of the television set with friends, making sarcastic comments about the latest Oscar fashion victim in front of the teleprompter. Tonight, with a sore back and a creaky neck, I am making a blogpost about how, thanks to one goddamn impatient driver and a dusting of new snow, I no longer have my car.
Not Coping Well
A friend took me around to the doctor, the pharmacy, the auto insurance, and the police to fill out an accident report. By noon I was upset, angry, anxious, and exhausted to the point of tears. When I got home, I popped some Lorazepam and slept until this evening.
The Way I Feel
This picture (man dazed by the Karbala bombings; front page of the Winnipeg Free Press) pretty much sums up how I feel today/this week: shell-shocked, fearful, and braced for the next impact.
My car accident has affected me much more than I thought it would: mentally and emotionally rather than physically at this point. I'm feeling like one of those laboratory rats I had read about somewhere, the ones who were given electric shocks and nowhere to hide, until they just gave up and no longer responded to the shocks.
I'm not so sure it was such a good idea after all to push myself so hard to come back to work today... maybe I do need to give myself a couple more days to get over the shock of the accident and get my head back on straight.
A Bitch-Slap from God
The funny thing is, everybody thinks I've come back from three weeks of holidays well-rested, when in effect I'm anything but. I spent most of that time helping (or at least, listening to) various friends in crisis: anxiety attacks; depression; unemployment; sexual assault. For some reason many people near and dear to me have been going through simultaneous crises, and of course, I'm there for them. That's what I do; it's part of who I am. I'm hard-wired to respond.
But when a crisis happens to me, I'm not there for myself. Why is this a lesson I keep having to learn over and over? I'm not going to be any good to anybody if I keep pushing myself like some goddamned robot, pushing aside the fact that I've had several very bad shocks to the system this past few weeks. Everybody and their dog is telling me to get some rest, and I'm not listening to them.
Maybe that's what the accident was; a bitch-slap from God to tell me that I'm not listening. The question is: will I finally get the message?
$4,725 Worth of Damage
To my complete surprise, the autobody shop called and said that Manitoba Provincial Insurance Corp. (MPIC) had already dropped the car off for repairs. (Usually they call the owner first, at least, that's what I was led to believe.)
The good news is that it's not a write-off. The bad news: initial estimate $4,725 (the guy said, "basically everything up to the doors", i.e. the entire front end). My $200 deductible waived, paid for by the asshole who caused the accident. So I'll be renting a car for the next month or so (I had a rider for car-rental coverage for 30 days, thank God).
I also have an appointment at 10 a.m. tomorrow to discuss my injury claim with MPIC.
Move Your Body
...which is ironic because I feel almost the exact opposite. Spent the day filling out paperwork with the physical claims person at Manitoba Public Insurance; picking up my rental car; and then, finally, seeing my car at the bodyshop to pick up my parking pass and a few other items I will need until I is fixed. I feel more like Snooze Your Body than Move Your Body hahaha...
They Found More Damage
The bodyshop called. They've found more damage on my car from the accident, another $800 or so they figure.
Turns out that the turn signal had broken off; it's possible that I broke it with my knee (or a stray hand) at the time of impact, but I don't remember (I was taken from the accident scene by ambulance and treated for shock).
Even stranger, my back bumper was also damaged, on the passenger side.
Since the rear bumper had been replaced just two months ago, after a minor fender-bender in December (I know, I know, I'm cursed; 2 accidents in 4 months and neither one was my fault), the only way it could have been damaged would be in the accident. But how? Perhaps it nicked a car in the next lane during the impact and bounce-back, but then why didn't that person report it to the insurance company? Again, I don't remember what happened.
It is so weird to learn about details like this, it's as if I hadn't been there at all, as if we were talking about someone else's accident, not mine. A broken turn signal means I probably got bounced around more than I realized. Thank God I always wear my seatbelt, otherwise I would have been through the windshield.
God, I feel so weary. Everything has just been a Little. Too. Much. this past three weeks; sorta like an obstacle course. I have been sleeping very badly (as you might guess from my early-early postings this morning), and then I had to fight with myself to get out of bed this morning and come into work. My life just seems to be in a permanent state of imbalance lately.
Maybe I need to take some more holidays, just go lie on a beach somewhere.
My Baby
Oh, and I forgot to mention that this week I finally got my car back from the autobody shop. $6,000 worth of front-end work, and she's looking brand-new! I didn't realize until after the accident (when I was driving around town for a month with a rented Hyundai Accent...feh) just how much I mised my car. My car is a symbol of freedom; I can pick up and go wherever I want, whenever I want.
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