December 2005 blogposts

Oops

So, I show up at work this morning, 9:00 on the dot, still slightly brain-fogged and under-caffeinated. One of my much-more-chipper coworkers asks as I sit down at my desk:

"You working a split shift today?"

"nnnnnnno...." I say as I double-check the schedule. DAMN!

I'm working shifted back today and I'm not due in until 12:30! I'd forgotten that this week I am covering for a coworker on study leave.

Wouldn't you know it? I run around all morning getting my act together, only to find I have the morning off. ARGH.

Back home for that badly-needed second coffee (I can stop anytime I want!)

Linux vs. Windows: Two New O'Reilly Books

I came across the perfect book for someone (like me) who wants to "kick the tires" on Linux (i.e. open source UNIX) without the hassle of installing and uninstalling the operating system on one of my Windows computers. It's called Test Driving Linux: From Windows to linux in 60 Seconds, by David Brickner (O'Reilly, 2005).

The key "sell" to this book is the CD-ROM in the back cover pocket: a self-bootable version of Mandrake Linux, which you simply stick into your CD-ROM drive and boot the computer from. Your existing Windows system is not modified or touched in any way! If you wish, you can save all your personalized Linux settings and other newly-created files to a USB drive, but even that's not necessary; you can reuse the CD any number of times, each time re-entering the set-up information.

The book, which focuses on the client side of Linux, covers such open-source goodies as the KDE shell (i.e. desktop look and feel), the Open Office suite, the GIMP image manipulation program, and much more. In the preface, the author states:

You can truly just take Linux for a spin, and when you're done, just put the CD away and go back to using Windows again. Don't count on wanting to, though. My guess is that once you take Linux for a test drive, you'll want to drive it off the lot for good.

David Brickner makes his case easily and well.

One thing I did notice right off the bat is the sharpness of the character sets on Linux compared to Windows. Hmm, maybe I need to take a look at adjusting my Windows XP some more. And that's where the second book comes in.

Windows XP Hacks, by Preston Galla, now in its second edition (O'Reilly, 2005), is one of the popular and fun series of "Hacks" books by O'Reilly. This particular book provides tips, tricks and tools for you to expand functionality and fix annoyances with your Windows XP setup. For example, one "hack" is replacing your limited Windows Clipboard with another product which allows you to cut and paste multiple items rather than just one-at-a-time. Want to save streaming music to your PC? Remove Windows Messenger from your start-up? Use that extra GMail account as 2GB of Windows storage? This is the place to turn to. All "hacks" are explained plainly and simply, and give up step-by-step instructions on what to so.

Then again, if I switch to Linux, I won't have to fix all the annoyances; I can just ditch Microsoft. hmmmm.... need to think about this some more ;-)

Both books are highly recommended to your average non-geek-level computer user.

Moving Forward

Trying out the Write word-processing software from the OpenOffice 1.1 suite (on Linux, of course). It compares quite favourably with Microsoft Word in its functionality. I decided that if I was to write something it'd better be something more meaningful than several iterations of "the quick brown fox leaped over the sleeping dog", so I wrote a sort of taking-stock:

It has been a long, long time since I updated my personal mission statement, and part of me feels that I should rip it up and restart from scratch. I feel I have been wandering for the past decade, and that I have been especially aimless this last thirteen months. I've gained a lot of insight about myself, necessary insight for me to take the time to ponder and incorporate, but still it's time to move forward.

I do know what three areas I have to focus on, and unsurprisingly, all three areas are interrelated.

Motivation: Giving up the foundational people-pleasing motivation I learned as a child has been difficult, and I have often failed to get rid of it completely. But now I face a new challenge: replacing a failed externally-oriented motivation with one that is generated from within.

Self-Discipline: My childish willfulness and impulsiveness have clearly impaired my ability to accomplish tasks both at home and at work. I need to better distinguish between what I want to do, and what I need to do. Of particular importance here is my physical self-care.

Spirituality: I have now been “between churches” for 18 months, and I know that I have neglected to feed my soul. I have to stop ignoring the resources I already have, and I need to investigate and research other ways and means to reignite my connection to the numinous.

Oh yes, and I also need to restrain my overwhelming urge to bitch-slap religious fundamentalists of all flavours. I don't want to become the same as the people I dislike, now do I?

Oh God, I have so much left to do, and I'm already feeling creaky in the knees.

Brokeback Mountain

Sometimes, not often, a movie comes along that hits me like a punch to the solar plexus. I won't get an opportunity to see Brokeback Mountain until January, but I've been reading the blogs, listening to the mp3s, and looking at the jpegs, and I already know it is going to hit me.

The movie is based on a New Yorker short story of the same name, written by Annie Proulx (you can read it in full here). With few but well-placed words, she tells the story, summarized below:

(WARNING: If you want to see the movie without having read Proulx's short story or knowing any of the plot details, then skip the rest of this post.)

In the early summer of 1963, two young ranch hands seeking work, Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal), meet at a grubby trailer office in dusty Signal, Wyoming. Local boss Joe Aguirre (Randy Quaid) sends them sheep-herding on nearby Brokeback Mountain. The no-nonsense Aguirre tells them they will spend the summer on the hill with no breaks and no excuses for lost sheep.

The two lads endure a challenging ordeal keeping the sheep safe and themselves fed in the unpredictable happenings of high altitude. An intense friendship and ensuing physical relationship hatches between the taciturn Ennis and the more outgoing Jack during their enforced togetherness...

When summer is over, Jack and Ennis must each assess what’s to be done with his life. Ennis, more repressed than Jack and with disturbing childhood memories, insists his summer relationship was a passing fluke and heads off to marry local sweetheart Alma (Michelle Williams). Jack drifts back to Texas and into the rodeo cowboy circuit, where he eventually meets and marries Lureen Newsome (Anne Hathaway). Both couples have children.

Three years pass, with the rose-colored memory of Brokeback felt by the two alternately as an aberration or a high point in their lives. An overture by Jack via a postcard renews the relationship with an impromptu vacation together. This singular reunion quickly becomes habit, with Ennis and Jack taking regular “fishing” trips together in Wyoming over the next twenty years.

But the sporadic nature of their encounters also becomes an uncomfortable routine. The more importuning Jack would be happy to settle down with Ennis and leave their conventional marriages and families behind. But Ennis, still in conflict and denial, can’t make the leap. He is subject to outbursts of violent temper. Jack seeks his own outlets, best described as: "If you can’t have the one you love, you love the one you have.' The differing coping mechanisms increase tensions between the two. It’s not death that defines an ensuing tragedy so much as the loss for each of achieving a fulfilled life. (Source for this excellent summation: Martini Republic)

This story resonates to a frequency so close to my own: a childhood lived in the shadows of a father's volcanic temper; the devastatingly high price paid for repressing who I really was, out of fear for my life if he should ever learn the truth; spending twenty years making choices in lockstep with the dictates and expectations of family, church and society; the blark arc of tragedy that resulted, the failed marriage, the severe depressions, the opportunities lost and the promising career stalled. And the chill fear that, no matter how much belated insight I gather, how much I scramble to turn it all back around, that I may still face "the loss... of achieving a fulfilled life."

It saddens and angers me that the Leader of the Opposition wants to reopen the same-sex-marriage issue if elected, perhaps even issue a "notwithstanding clause" to specifically strike that right from the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It saddens and angers me that my born-again-Baptist brother, despite being an eyewitness to everything that I have been through, still believes I "chose" to be gay. There is a price to be paid for denying your heart and living someone else's idea of success. No matter what you tell yourself at the beginning, that price is always too high.

There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it. (Brokeback Mountain, Annie Proulx)

Behind The Eyes

I find it quite amusing that I was turned down for entry into a eclectic-musical-tastes community on last.fm, because (and I quote here) "...the group voted and it seems that we couldn't get over the amount of Amy Grant on your profile".

I am never gonna apologize for loving Amy's songs. They were the soundtrack of my life twenty years ago, and as I fumbled and stumbled my way to where I am today, there's always been one song or another for me to turn to for solace in those times of grief, pain and loss. Here's one running through my mind tonight:

Turn This World Around
(from the album Behind the Eyes, 1997)

We are all the same it seems
Behind the eyes
Broken promises and dreams
Our good disguise

All we’re really looking for is some place
Safe and warm
The shelter of each other in the storm
Maybe one day
We can turn and face our fears
Maybe one day
We can reach out through the tears
After all it’s really not that far
To where hope can be found
Maybe one day
We can turn this world around

Who can trace the path of time
Not you or me
The twisting road we call our lives
We cannot see
The hunger and the longing everyone of us
Knows inside
Could be the bridge between us if we try
(chorus)

Maybe one day
We can turn and face our fears
Maybe one day
We can reach out through the tears

Can I return it?

Oh, and did I mention I'm getting a federal election for my birthday?

No, really, you shouldn't have....

This is the first campaign I remember where the newspapers carry not only where in Canada each of the four party leaders is working the crowd, but also the temprature outside in that location. heh heh

Other than following the rule of ABC (Anybody But the Conservatives), I still haven't decided how I'll cast my ballot. But I will do so. If you don't vote, then you forfeit the right to complain later :-)

Some Notes on Moving Forward

Damn it damn it DAMN IT...

I'm still thinking about the Brokeback Mountain short story and that movie everybody's talking about. What is the matter with me... a movie I'd never evenheard of three months ago, a movie I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN, based a short story I'd only just read yesterday. Hitting me like this. It's crazy.

There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.

(Brokeback Mountain, Annie Proulx; LiveJournal icons by eye_knead_icons.)

This quote is what Ennis tells himself at the end of Proulx's short story. But it's not true.

Ennis could have done something about it; he could have fixed it. He chose to let his fear of what other people would think and say rule his bahaviour. And what happened is tragic. But what others think and say is only an excuse. Fear is only an excuse.

The reason all this Brokeback Mountain blogosphere talk has snagged me is this: In addition to the associations it creates with my own past (previous post), it also touches on something that I have been thinking a lot lately: my own role in the problems and difficulties I have experienced. I myself have made choices, perhaps not conscious ones when I was still a child, but choices nonetheless. Quite often, these choices have been very bad ones in reaction to an unpleasant event or situation in my life.

But I need to take my own responsibility for the life I've made, no matter how many external things have happened. I can't keep blaming and regretting all my life; I have to ditch the sackcloth and ashes, get up off my ass, and move forward with what I have. I also need to leave behind what is keeping me anchored in my mourning. Yes, mourning, because that's what it is.

Ennis abdicated his choice, and his happiness, because of his fear. And so have I. Even now, when I know I have nothing to fear, I am stuck in that habit of abdicating my choice, throwing away my happiness.

And there is where the change must be made.

Read It And Weep

Brokeback Mountain is not opening in Winnipeg until January 16th. ARGH! You know, I can just see myself becoming like one of those Titanic-obsessed teenaged girls who saw that movie dozens of times, over and over and over, and memorized every piece of dialogue, and gushed about it in their LiveJournals :-) I've already bought and listened to the soundtrack. The new Emmylou Harris song is so beautiful it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

*sigh* Oh well, it opens exactly one week before my birthday. So, I'll consider it a birthday present :-)

Squee!

Guess who snagged himself a free ticket for the advance screening of Brokeback Mountain, here in Winnipeg, January 4th?

Alliance Atlantis, who is distributing the film in Canada, contacted a friend of mine, who runs a gay arts and entertainment group, and offered him FREE tickets to an advanced screening Jan. 4th! That's almost TWO WEEKS before it officially opens here!!

Using a word I picked up in the Brokeback Mountain fan(atic) LiveJournal community-- Squee! SQUEEE!!

(*runs around in circles, squeeing rather loudly*)

(*composes himself*)

If you're in Canada, in a city where the film hasn't opened yet, ask around. Alliance Atlantis contacted my friend out of the blue, through the community groups listing in our local queer monthly.