Scott Naugler's funeral: Sept 1-6, 2004

oh my god: September 1, 2004

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Scott was the founding musical director of our chorus, The Rainbow Harmony Project, and sang as a tenor with Renaissance Voices. We were not close friends, but I did consider him a friend. I'm sure many emails and phone calls are currently going back and forth among the members of the chorus and within the teaching and music and gay communities.

He was 40 years old. HE WAS MY AGE. I remember talking to him during intermission at The Rainbow Harmony Project's spring concert. I remember spending an afternoon with him last year, when he was feeling the need for company, and talking with him in his car in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and him squeezing my hand.

He was only 40 years old...
I went hunting through my computer to find a picture of him, and I found this one, taken at my surprise birthday party (my 38th birthday, a couple of years ago). Scott is behind me (on the left in this photo), he went bleached-blonde that winter.

Bad day, good day: September 1, 2004

What a day... the funeral will be on Monday or Tuesday, it's going to be a difficult long weekend.

And on top of everything else, my new wireless notebook arrived from Dell. And this is my first post from my local cafe, via wireless Internet. Sweet.

And today is the one-year anniversary of as I live the questions, this blog I started off so innocently on September 1, 2003.

So it's been both a bad day and a good day for me...

Scott Naugler's Funeral Service: September 2, 2004

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I am posting this announcement to the blog because I know many of you are local (Winnipeg) readers, and some of you knew Scott personally.

I don't plan to sing with The Rainbow Harmony Project (TRHP) at Scott's funeral. I know the first two pieces, but not the third. And the third was the one where Scott would play the violin (I have the performance on CD somewhere, but I can't find it). And frankly, I don't think I'm going to be able to hold it together anyway.

I feel like two people today: the Ryan who gets up and continues his day, and the Ryan who sits and grieves. Which Ryan you get today is luck of the draw.

Roaming...Sept. 2

I'm in the Law Library, testing out the wireless network there. I've been told that the wireless network at the Sciences and Technology Library will be set up before the end of September, and I've been asked to create documentation for students.

So I am going to roam around the Law Library for a bit, check the signal strength (right now it's excellent), and try to connect to various University of Manitoba Libraries services to see if there are any problems (I don't expect to find any, but you never know...).

I've already received a phonecall from someone who didn't know that Scott had died (I have my home phone, and often my work phone too, forwarded to my BlackBerry). He just wanted to see how I was doing. I said I was doing fine, although I feel as if I am autopilot; the head is not quite engaged in the work today. I'm trying not to think about Monday.

I realize that, between the wireless notebook and the BlackBerry, I can take my office anywhere I go now. I'm a roaming librarian.

The Conceit of Forever: Sept. 2

I just can't focus on work today. I find myself staring into space, lost in thought.

I still keep thinking about Scott. I'm still in the shock and denial phases; it just doesn't seem real. Which means that it's gonna hit with one hell of a whallop when it does come home. I'm not looking forward to that moment.

I had always expected that, once Scott hit bottom, he would bounce a couple times, then rise. Like I had done, like other people who struggle with personal crises do. You work your way through it, and come back up.

But Scott didn't come back up. It never even occurred to me that he would run out of time.

At one time or another, each of us lives with the conceit that we have forever.

And we don't.

I'm singing: Sept. 2

Spent the evening with my best friend Stephen (who, like me, was a member of the chorus from the very beginning, and who also took last year as a year off)... we were supposed to go to the baseball game tonight, but neither of us really felt like it, so we just sat and talked about Scott and other things. I think I needed the big hug and the conversation more anyways.

The chorus is singing Ave Maria at Scott's funeral on Monday, a choral piece I already know and have performed, so I've changed my mind and I am singing. We're going to get up there and sing for the friends and family and students and fellow teachers and musicians and choristers of the man who was our musical director, our conductor, our leader.

Obituary: Sept. 4

The full obituary was published in the Winnipeg Free Press today. Scott had died of a heart attack, a friend told me this morning.

Scott, My Father, And Me.  Sept. 6

Transcript:

I was thinking about it last night before I went to bed and I realize that one of the reasons why I've been feeling upset about Scott's death is that it comes pretty close to what happened with the death of my father: in that he died very suddenly and unexpectedly, although in both cases looking back, there werre warning signs; and also in that neither one took very good care of themselve physically and I'm guilty of that as well.

And I see this as a sort of a warning sign, a chance for me to get my act together and haul my raggedy ass out to the gym.

I'm not looking forward to the funeral, it's starting in about four hours, and I'm just sitting here this afternoon, trying to keep myself calm. There's this sense of turmoil inside of me and I know that I'm probably going to start crying at the funeral, but I realize that that's what it's for.

Anyway, I think I'm just going to end it here, thanks.

Horus and Jesus: Sept 6

Wow, this just blows me away. And from Tom Harpur, no less:

Stories from the life of Horus had been circulating for centuries before Jesus birth (circa 4 to 7 BCE). If any copying occurred by the writers of the Egyptian or Christian religions, it was the followers of Jesus who incorporated into his biography the myths and legends of Horus, not vice-versa.

According to author and theologian Tom Harpur: "[Author Gerald] Massey discovered nearly two hundred instances of immediate correspondence between the mythical Egyptian material and the allegedly historical Christian writings about Jesus. Horus indeed was the archetypal Pagan Christ." (Source: Parallels between the lives of Jesus and Horus, an Egyptian God, from the website Ontario Consultants for Religious Tolerance)

The website this is quoted from, ReligiousTolerance.org, is not some wacko-with-religious-agenda website, but a level-headed, well-regarded, well-respected website which attempts to describe all viewpoints on controversial religious topics objectively and fairly. And Tom Harpur is, as his website attests, "Canada's best known spiritual author, journalist, and TV host", and writer of books such as Harpur's Heaven and Hell. He's no wingnut either.

So read through the chart yourself. The parallels are uncanny.

So what does this mean? Damned if I know. Up until now I had just casually assumed that there was indeed a historical person named Jesus.

I find this very intriguing indeed. I'm going to have to get my hands on a copy of Tom Harpur's book, The Pagan Christ, and read it for myself.

To Where You Are: Sept. 6

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are 
("To Where You Are", Josh Groban, Josh Groban, 2001)

For me now, this song will forever be associated with Scott. "To Where You are" was played at the very beginning of the funeral, and the pianist played an arrangement of the tune as we all filed out at the end. It's a beautiful song, and the lyrics are so fitting. (I actually had to ask Scott's partner Dan what song it was, I had never heard it before, if you can believe it.)

I was able to hold it together until after we had sung Ave Maria and had sat back down in our pews (there were about 50 of us I think, past and present members of The Rainbow Harmony Project). The next choir (a mix of voices from The Winnipeg Singers, Renaissance Voices, and several other choirs with which Scott was associated) came up and sang a beautiful arrangement of "In Remembrance" by Eleanor Daley:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

...

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die

That did it. I started crying at that point and couldn't stop for the rest of the service. Michelle passed me a Kleenex, and Stephen offered me his hand and whispered to me to keep breathing (when I was about to break out in sobs).

It was a beautiful funeral. I'm so glad I was there, and glad also that I changed my mind and decided to sing with my chorus tonight. It meant a lot to Scott's family and friends, and it meant a lot to me, too.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Posted at 11:14 PM in Friends & Family | Permalink

Comments

Ryan, I arrived at the church at 6 p.m., because a friend visiting from Edmonton phoned just as I was leaving the house. Immediately on arrival, it was time to practice with the members of various choirs.

I am the tall woman in the front row of that choir, wearing a white rose on my jacket lapel....a rose in remembrance and celebration of Scott's life. I asked members of the Rainbow Harmony Project, at the reception, to point you out, so that I could introduce myself; and I learned that you had left.

A number of other friends left, some immediately after the service. The shock and loss are so hard to bear, especially at first. For Sandra, one of Scott's friends, as for you, everything about a parent's death came flooding back.

I'm writing to say that I'm sorry that I missed meeting you, and again, to offer my support.

It meant very much to me to see so many members of the Rainbow Harmony Project sing. The "Ave Maria" was moving, and beautifully done. It was a beautiful funeral, as you said.

In Scott's obituary, donations to the Salvation Army were suggested. As my tribute to Scott, I want to make a donation to the Rainbow Harmony Project. This choir was especially dear to his heart, and the choir certainly contributes to unity, understanding, and inclusion. Do you know the name and address of the RHP's treasurer? If not, I can locate that information in another way.

Scott's great abilities included making connections with people, and helping them connect to others through the language of music. Please know that you are not alone. Scott left a large "musical family" that will support each other........just reach out, if and when you need to.

P.S. I recently bought Tom Harpur's book, "The Pagan Jesus", but haven't started reading it. I have read two reviews of the book, and heard Harpur interviewed on radio. I'm looking forward to reading and discussing the book.

Cordially,
Barbara Kelly.

Posted by: Barbara Kelly | September 07, 2004 at 09:49 AM

Dear Ryan,
I have been waiting and hoping to hear from some TRHP people since the service. I imagine everyone is too full of emotion to write, or perhaps they think that someone else has done that. Anyway, I thought tonight, "I'll go to Ryan's blog. He'll have something about the service." And for sure you did.

I knew that it would be a wonderful service, full of music that would stay with everyone who attended. I think that being over here when I wanted to very much to be there will probably be my one and only regret about this adventure of mine.

I'm almost desperate to get a computer over here. When I do, I'll finally be able to hear your music again.

Thanks for helping to fill in the holes for me,
Love and hugs (real, not superficial ones)
Linda